Never make yourself feel like nothing to make someone else feel like everything.

OMGGGG. wow I have so much to say! okay so..sophomore year is actually really hard but I'm trying to keep my grades to be good! i have a's and b's and one c+ in spanish fml and i'm good at spanish but i'm finishing up a project due tuesday so i hopefully will get a good grade on it and it will boost my grade in that class! but hmm..me and nate hung out september 8th and it was the best day ever with him! like he was being so sweet and just this is what happened that day, I wrote this that day to my friend who asked what happened haha:
okay so he got here and then i was vacuuming so then the doorbell rang and i opened the door and i hugged him and he picked me up and then he asked me if i wanted to go say hi to his parents and my dad was getting back from the store the same time and so my dad met his parents and our dads talked and gave each other directions lol and then his mom talked to me and then they left and so we sat on my porch for a few minutes cause one of the cats was out there so we played with him and then we went in the house again and he talked to my parents and stuff and him and my dad were talking and then we went in my room and we sat on my couch and just talked and then i turned the tv on cause it was really quiet and so then i gave him the wifi password for his ipad and then he tried taking pictures of me and then we just like sat and talked and then I hit him in the face with a pillow so we started hitting each other with pillows so we had a pillow fight lol and then he started poking me in the sides and then we had lunch and then we went back in my room and we threw more pillows at each other and then while that was happening he like pulled me into his side and was like hugging me and then we just like idk we just were throwing pillows at each others faces. then while we were throwing pillows at each other i like hid under them on the couch and he like pulled me into his side and put his arm around me heh. oh yeah and my back was turned while he was behind me in my room and he picked me up from behind and spun me around hehe. then we just sat on my couch again and we were cuddling and held hands. and then we went outside in my driveway and I watched him ripstick and then I got on it and I was falling off so i like grabbed onto his shoulders and then he picked me up. hahahah then he went on my scooter and we just like talked and he kept coming up behind me and putting his arms around me and he told me that he missed me all summer and that hanging out with me today was the most fun he's had in a long time. and when we were hugging he was like, "i missed this so much." and im like awe you did and he's like, "yes when i couldnt see you all summer i was like " and then he's like, i love you hehe. then we went inside to eat more food lol and then we went back in my room and just sat and listened to music and we took selfies lol. and we talked more and then later on we brought him home and it was really weird in the car and i didnt talk in the car so i just wrote messages on my notes on my ipod and we just did that the whole way to his house. and my imessage app thing lags now because we were spamming each other so it takes like 89327892 years to load. but his does that now too lol. but yeah it was sooo fun though oh yeah and we kissed once like while I was getting ready to leave cause I was like, I was gonna kiss you cause I don't want my dad to see me do it cause he'd be like awk about it and he's like okay! so we did in my room lol. but it was very long. but that was seriously the most fun I have ever had with him..like we had so much fun. and then that day he texted me later and he was like it was awesome at your house. but too bad two weeks after he broke up with me at like 11 at night over a text after being together for six months...um this is what happened basically..I wrote this to my friend a while ago so the tenses aren't present:
So Saturday night at like 11 I was talking to Nate and then this all happened:
me: if you can't go to your homecoming do you wanna hangout
nate: I don't know
nate: um
me: um what
nate: I have something to say
me: what
nate: you're probably not gonna like it though
me: tell me
nate: I just don't know how to say it though
nate: without you getting mad at me
me: please just tell me
nate: it's just that I think we should just be friends
nate: it's not to hurt you
me: then why
nate: and I don't want to ruin the relationship we have where we can actually talk
nate: I just don't want you to be hurt if I do something stupid
me: why would you do something stupid
nate: I'm just saying if I do
nate: it has nothing to do with anybody at massabesic
me: but what would you do thats stupid. Nate I love you and I just. I don't know.
nate: I know but
me: but
nate: I just don't want to screw up
me: but I don't get why you think you would screw up..
nate: because I always do
me: no you don't Nate
nate: yes I do
me: how
nate: everything I do is
me: stop no it's not
nate: I'm sorry
me: me too
me: we've been together for so long and you never messed anything up..
nate: I just still think we're better off to be friends
nate: not when I was around you
me: I just thought you would of realized this before because it's been so long
nate: what do you mean?
me: idk did like you just realize this now like tonight
nate: about 2 weeks ago
me: two weeks ago you seemed fine. that was when we hung out.
nate: I just didn't know how to tell you
me: you didn't seem like you didn't want to be just friends then
nate: not around you no
nate: I just think we're better off to be friends
nate: I'm sorry
me: do you really want to be my friend and talk or are you just saying that like everyone else does to me
nate: no I'm not just saying it like everyone else does I actually want to be your friend and talk
me: but it's different because you're my best friend. and I don't want that to change.
nate: that doesn't have to change
me: ok..I don't want it to
nate: ok it won't
nate: we can still be best friends
nate: I have to go though
me: okay
nate: bye
me: bye
so then I was all sad the rest of the weekend and then Monday my friend Tyler told me Nate chatted him while me and Tyler were talking so I was like show me the conversation and he did after they were done talking and then this happened:
Hi.
 
yo srry i was getting my nephew off the bus wats good.
 
Nm you?
 
chilling at home u.
 
Nm. Did you hear about it today?
 
yea.
she came in the library crying.
 
Oh.
 
yup.
 
Is she mad at me?
 
i mean i dont think shes mad just very sad.
 
Yeah I know. Did she tell you why?
 
do u think it is over for good... like do u think u guys will ever go back out.
and yea.
 
I don't know? What'd she say the reason was?
 
i aw the convo.
saw.
 
Oh.
 
yea.
 
I don't want her to hate me but at the same time I'd rather just be friends then have her later on
 
yea i get wat u mean.
is tht the real reason or is it cause u moved.
u there.
 
But it's also partially because I moved.
 
yea i figured.
do u still love her tho.
 
Don't tell her. Yeah I still kinda do
I don't want her to hate me but at the same time I'd rather be able to talk to her later on and not have her hate me. Yea Internet died. That's the real reason
 
i wont and yea u will for a while.
 
Will for a while?
 
you will still like her for a while it will be hard to get over it trust me i no.
im going through the same shit right now.
 
Oh yeah I know. What do you mean?
 
umm my friend fucked me over so i was forced to not talk to her again which means i cant talk to her and i like her a lot... im still in love with her but life will be better without her and tht is wat u have to tell yourself i love her but life will be better without her u can focus on school and family and other shit like tht.
 
It isn't really even that i mean I think she could have a better life without me.
 
my opinion and this is just me u were good to her u treated her good.. she came in everyday this year telling us how much she misses u i mean u must have been doing something right.
 
Huh?
 
u said she would have a better life she was having a perfect life with u but it takes two in a relationship
 
Yup.
I didn't want to hurt her but I knew I had to let her go.
 
yea and tht is wat i had to do u dont want to but its the best for the both of u i guess.
 
Yeah.
Yeah I'm gonna give er a lil bit a time though.
 
yea smart idea.
 
I was thinking bout texting her but that would start the hell all over again.
 
well im talking to her right now and she wants to write to u but she thinks it will be to awkard.
 
Well gtg. Oh let me know if she comes into school the same way tomorrow.
 
i will.
 
ill text u during my home room so have ur ipod on u at school.
 
Ight thanks
 
yea pce
 
thennn on Wednesday I was home sick and so I really wanted to talk to Nate and texted him and nothing really exciting happened cause he kept answering with short answers and like it's hard to know what he's thinking when he won't even open up to me. so then today he texted me after school and we talked and then this happened:
nate: Hi
me: Hi.
nate: I wasn't able to talk anymore because the bell was about ready to ring
me: That's okay ;p
nate: Ok
nate: What was what you had to talk to me about earlier though
me: Was i not supposed to see your conversation with tyler
nate: No it's fine
nate: Oops I mean it's fine
me: Oh okay. Well like i still dont see why you think my life would be better without you because you didnt really explain it..
nate: It just would be
me: But I dont get it cause it wouldnt
me: And its not at all.
nate: It will be
me: You really dont understand what you're doing to me. And it hurts because you said this wouldnt happen.
nate: What do you mean I don't know what I'm doing to you?
me: I'm not happy like at all
nate: Oh
me: Im not trying to be mean because i probably sound like it but im not unsure
nate: No you don't
nate: Sound mean
me: You know how you said you didnt want to screw up
nate: Yeah
me: Well every relationship has mistakes and you cant just be afraid you're gonna do something bad cause stuff happens and yeah I could get hurt but its worth it. I know that sounds weird but its true.
nate: Yeah
me: Oh okay. Whats that mean.
nate: Every relationship does have mistakes
me: You didnt even make a mistake and mistakes make relationships stronger
nate: Oh
me: Oh what
nate: That I didn't make mistakes
me: Even if you did make mistakes i would still love you and you dont just end something that has lasted over 6 months because you are afraid you'd make one. And you havent made any all this time so why would you be nervous of making one now?
nate: Because I'm going to a different school and not seeing you everyday
me: Do you think you would cheat on me...
nate: Well no
me: Then what. Distance shouldnt stop you if you love someone..
nate: I don't know
me: I didnt see you all summer. Nothing stopped you then.
nate: No
me: No what
nate: It didn't stop me
me: Exactly.
nate: I have to go
me: Ok.
I was going to say something else but he suddenly had to go. But like I don't know. I still love him but part of me wants to see if he changes his mind soon or if I should just let go because I really don't want to but I feel like I should. But I don't know how I'm supposed to still be best friends with him because it's going to be really different.
 
yeah..it sucked..it just didn't feel real when it happened..and it hurt so much over a text..like I believed him so much when he said that he wouldn't break up with me. he told me in july that even when he moved that he wouldn't break up with me and he promised os many people I wasn't going to get hurt again. and like even though he said he wasn't breaking up with me to hurt me it's obviously gonna hurt me either way. ironic how he had to go after that. oh this is random but i forgot to mention this. hold on i wrote this a while ago too:
my boyfriend apparently cries when he cant talk to me not like crying his eyes out crying just like he gets sad and cries a little bit if that makes sense and the other day he cried when he got back to his house when his dad and him couldnt find out where i lived and so like we live like 40 minutes away from each other since he moved over the summer and we hadnt seen each other all summer but like we got to hangout like yesterday but still, whats it mean when a guy cries over a girl like that? we've been together for 6 months!
and the second question is:
one day we were playing the question game and I said: "what happens if you meet someone better than me at your new school?" and he said: "what?" and I said, "well idk do you feel awkward answering that or?" and he said: "no not really I just don't want to think about that." what did he mean by that?
okay anyways. oh wait this too:
me: HE SOUNDED SO SAD ON THE PHONE :-(
nicole: HE WAS REALLY SAD. HE WAS ALMOST CRYING WHEN HE GOT HOME
me: WHAT REALLY?
nicole: LEGIT. MOLLY WAS HERE AND SHE WAS SO SAD FOR HIM. SHE'S LIKE DOES NATE A HUG??
me: AWWWWWW OH MY GOSH :-( WHATD HE DO CAUSE I WANTED TO CRY WHEN HE TOLD ME.
nicole: HE WENT UP TO HIS ROOM & LAID DOWN.
me: AWEEEEEE NATE :-(
nicole: I KNOW:(
me: DOES HE EVER CRY?
nicole: SOMETIMES. WHEN HE CAN'T TALK TO YOUU
me: REALLY? HE CRIES WHEN HE CAN'T?
nicole: YESS!!
sorry that was random but anyways, we talked last night too, and it was awkward like i hate the feeling of not being able to talk to him the way we used to. like i know he said we can still be best friends but it doesn't seem like it when we talk. like i have so much i wanna talk to him about but i can't anymore. it's not the same. i'm moving on slowly though. well i had homecoming the 29th and i got ready with my friend alexis and it was fun. i grinded for the first time ever and i didn't know how haha but it was so easy when it happened like i grinded with three guys that night and two of them were my friends and i slow danced with one of them. but one of the guys i danced with i didn't know and hes a freshman but we're friends now his name is jake he's really nice ahha. it was fun though but our group kept getting told we were going too hard when we were grinding but we weren't lol. it was so funny. and then i was in a grinding line with my friends dan, avery, kaeleigh, me, tyler deg and zack lol. it was so crazy. and we're having another dance this month!! it's a halloween dance and I'm being a nerd and i'm in this 'nerd pack' haha with my friends kaeleigh, megan, tyler deg, alyssa and johnelle. i'm so pumped \m/ but now i actually well actually i've thought he was cute since last year but i didn't tell anyone till last night lol but this kid in my grade, ryan, is cute and he's really nice too. he was in 2 of my classes last year and 2 this year and the only time we really talked was this year in history cause we were partners for something and i told johnelle last night and she was like :OOOO and she was like, here's his number text him! and im like hahahaha noo..but tonight I went to the movies with @lauraalouu and it was SOO fun btw we saw hotel transylvania lol. we're cool. but anyways, i texted him like near the end of the movie and so i was like hey its joy. and we just had a great convo hehehehehehe but yes he's really nice and cute and I wanna talk to him more now and get to know him and stuff and yeah hehe. i have two classes with him on tuesday so maybe in geometry i will talk to him and be like yo we're gonna work together on this cause i don't know how to do any of this lol. but seriously maybe i will. hmm...what else has been happening...oh yeah, volleyball has been SIICCKK!! i love it! and next year we're gonna have actual teams where they make cuts and all that! I wanna be really good! we might be doing a dance for the pep rally this coming friday hopefully because we were supposed to be in the homecoming pep rally doing the wobble dance but the seniors didn't get the music in on time but it was really fun and stuff and then we were gonna get to throw candy at people but it didn't happen :-( but omg I actually surprisingly am really good at it and it sucks cause whenever my parents arent at my games, I do great and when they're there I suck so much! my last game is a tournament on saturday so I'm pumped! and we got sweatshirts and free tshirts cause they messed our order up i guess and so like the sweatshirts are so cute and on the back they have our last name and it's sick!! i made a new friend she's adopted and shes a senior and she's so nice and we're like the same person like the way we talk and stuff and she's chinese and just it's great and we're talking right now actually and we started talking like two days ago and we're already bffs and idk why i just get along easily with other asian's lol and like omg we have so much in common its cray. HAHA. i love her so much her name is rachel! umm i dont know what else to talk about i think that's basically it. the breakup was the biggie. merp. okay well. that's all then. BYEEE :-)